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Wedding Planning > Stress
& Relationships
Wedding
Stress
Myrna Ruskin is a Certified Stress Management Counselor that
specializes in helping brides and grooms deal with and manage stress. She is President of
Myrna Ruskin Associates, Inc. in New York City. She has been published in Modern Bride
Magazine and a featured speaker at bridal events for companies such as Macy's and
Fortunoff.
What should the newly engaged couple expect or anticipate when it comes to stress and
stress management?
First, couples have to realize they shouldn't expect
"perfection". Expect a "terrific" day and set reasonable expectations. Never forget that the main goal
is to get married. Setting expectations that are too high will create stress and lead to
frustration, and then more stress. There will be stress, you can count on it. Why? Because
there are a lot of decisions to be made, many details to be worked out, and others may
want, or try to influence you. That is not bad or wrong, it just requires that you and
your fiancé be aware of what is really happening. Try to respond to issues and avoid
reacting to things. It will make a big difference.
You've worked with a lot of brides and
grooms; what are the biggest challenges that create stress for brides and grooms?
I think divorce is a big one - specifically divorced parents of either the bride or groom,
usually create stress that ranks very high. Time is always another stressful factor. People find themselves busy in every day
life and now need to find time for planning and managing their wedding.
Relationships themselves, between
the bride and groom, can be stressful and can become even more stressful prior to the
marriage. There are other relationships too, between the bride and her family, her
sisters, her bridesmaids, the groom and his friends and family. The
"relationships" I'm speaking of, are everywhere and not limited to the
relationship between the bride and groom.
Money issues also frequently come up and create stressful situations. There are
issues surrounding religious beliefs, and of course, anyone planning a wedding with a
"distance factor" - an out of state, or across the country wedding - needs to be
aware of the stresses created with those issues.
I would guess that there are some shared
stresses experienced by both brides and grooms, but are there specific things that effect
each?
Brides might find they are more emotional about the wedding plans,
and all of the other events leading up to the wedding. Grooms might find themselves more
concerned about, or "stressed out" about money. Money and financial issues are
almost always stress inducing, and it doesn't necessarily matter how much money someone
has! Whether you are a bride or a groom, it is a time where all kinds of stress can
manifest itself. I also see, and this is obviously a generality, brides more focused on
the details where grooms may focus more on the big picture. Certainly, not in all cases,
but I see it in my Pre-Nuptial Stress Management consultations.
So your advice would be?
Above all, brides and grooms need to respect each other and each
other's uniqueness. Individually, they should be aware of their thresholds for stress, and
how much stress they can handle in a given time period. Remember, that words said in
explosive or high stress situation can not be taken back once they are said. If you're
feeling stressed out...Stop, Relax, Listen, and Communicate with each other. Look around
you to see what is REALLY happening. Respond to situations and issues and avoid
knee-jerk reactions.
The Ruskin
Pre-Nuptial Stress Test has over 30 "signs" of pending or full blown
stress. What are some things people should know about the test?
A couple should take the test together. It can, and will be an
educating experience. It is not diagnostic in nature, but a test to create awareness.
First, individually they can tell where they are in relation to the stress of their
wedding planning. It is very important to know where each is now, and in which direction
they may be heading.
Secondly, if a couple takes the test together and then compares the
results, they will learn a great deal about each other and each other's feelings. For
example, a groom may feel very strongly about one issue, say the size of the guest list,
and it is reflected by the high stress he feels. The bride, may not feel the same at all,
but if they talk about it they should be able to understand each other's feelings. The
test can be a wonderful tool that opens up communications! Everyone getting married should
take it! Try it NOW!
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